Thinking
in public.
Twice a week, I write for Bloom about relationships, technology, and the choices behind them. These are the latest.
Marriages tend to go flat. Doing something exciting together helps.
A national study that followed married people for 17 years found happiness tended to slide at every stage. Studies with couples suggest one ordinary counterweight: doing things together that you both find exciting, not just pleasant.
Lifecycle / anti-cheatingWhen a dating app changes owners, look at what it charges for
Bumble agreed to be bought by Ithaca Holdings and go private. Research on buyouts in other industries suggests what happened to customers depended on the market more than on the deal, including whether customers could judge what they were paying for.
Dating and relationship adviceWho pays on a first date, and what the check is really asking
A survey of 17,067 unmarried heterosexual adults found most men still pay, most men feel guilty when they do not, and women are split almost evenly on whether they want their offer to be taken. The bill is a question about what the two of you expect.
Intentional datingOpen to either is not a plan
In a Pew survey of 4,860 US adults, most singles who were looking said they were open to either a relationship or something casual. Fewer than half picked one. That middle answer is comfortable, and it is where a lot of mismatched first dates start.
Relationship growth scienceA thank-you that lasts until tomorrow
Your partner does something small and thoughtful. You can feel thankful, or you can feel like you owe them one. A two-week diary of 67 couples found the first feeling went with a better next day for men and with a marginal lift in satisfaction for women. The second feeling did not.
Lifecycle / anti-cheatingWhat 'invite a friend to unlock' does to your matches
One dating site randomly varied how many friends new members had to bring in before they could read their own messages. The higher the bar, the more members paid and invited, and the fewer matches everyone made.
Dating and relationship adviceMagnanimity is a relationship skill, not a temperament
Researchers treat forgiveness as a change of motive, less pull toward revenge or distance, more pull toward goodwill, often after you can see the other side. Accommodation is the next move: inhibit the destructive reply and answer constructively. Both are learnable. Neither is a reason to stay where you are being harmed.
Intentional datingMore options, worse choices: what choice overload does to dating
When researchers handed online daters more profiles, people searched more and picked a worse match to their own stated preferences. Speed-dating data found that variety across the room, not only headcount, made people say yes less often and walk out with nobody.
Intentional datingYour dealbreakers do more work than your wish list
Across six studies and more than 6,500 people, the traits participants wanted to avoid pulled harder than the traits they hoped to find. Spend filter effort on the handful of things that would actually end it, and stop specifying a person you have not met trait by trait.
Dating and relationship adviceThe question after a breakup is readiness, not a waiting period
After a breakup, someone will hand you a number of months. Commitment-readiness research measured a different question: whether you already feel ready to be in a committed relationship. That answer predicted later formation and how committed people were once they were in one.
Utah launch clusterFriends beat the feed in Utah
On the Wasatch Front, a named friend intro still beats an anonymous feed. Harris Poll explains the national appetite for curated meeting. The local habit is the introduction.
Dating and relationship adviceA situationship has the affection. The research says it does not have the commitment.
An exploratory 2024 study defined situationships as affection, sex, and time together without a label or much commitment. A 2006 longitudinal paper found that swings in how committed you think your partner is predict breakup beyond the average level. The slang is new. The measurement is not.
Originally published on Bloom. Dates are the original publication dates.